This kid Lil Uzi Vert done dropped somethin’ new. Now, straight up, we gonna keep it real wit' y'all. The Top Notch Reviewer ain’t vibin' with this dude, namsayin'? Lil Uzi Vert – the man’s name be soundin' like "Lucifer" on purpose. Homie even slapped a diamond in his forehead just to flex. And don't forget, he dipped on Nardwuar in the middle of an interview – mad pussy an' mad disrespectful! But yo, we keep it real here, so we givin' everybody they shot, word. This just dropped like ten minutes ago, let’s see if it’s fire or straight garbage.
We Good – Already we ain't doin' too swell up in here. This man soundin' like a metalhead tryin' to spit bars. First track got me lost, man. What in the world he sayin’? "That’s that adda day" – my guy, ya even know whatcha sayin’? The hook ain't too bad if he’d lay off them crazy vocoder/autotune effects. This beat tho', it sound like a chef bangin' dem pots and pans. DJ soundin' like he fell down the stairs makin' this.
Beats: 0/10
Lyrics: 2/10
Score: 2/20
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Light Year (Practice) – Intro kinda aight, not bad. But it dips quick, yo. Lyrics kinda workin’, but the whole track soundin’ like a producer threw the whole kitchen sink in. What’s up with this “suitcase” line, though? Feelin’ kinda random. Now he spittin' but it’s all muffled; can’t make out much but “I don’t think that they ready.” Flow kinda tight but son, your content's mad weak. This be like he sayin’ a whole lotta nothin' really.
Beats: 3/10
Lyrics: 2/10
Score: 5/20
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Meteor Man – Aight, a nice lil intro, got me ready for somethin’ heavy… then BAM – terrible. Rappin' ain't it here. Homie’s repeatin', “She give me head like a cold,” in some weird, growly tone. Yo, I’m lost here, I'd be lyin' to y'all if I said I understood ANY of this. And then he drops straight poetry like:
“Ugh, yah, yah, yah, yah, swag, yah, swag, yah, swag, yah, yah, yah, yah.”
Naw, I’m jokin’. Ain't no poetry here, this summa that pure trash. Sounds like scrambled eggs, for real. Bro tossed in static, drums, and every effect known to man. This kid makin' Melanie Martinez seem bland wit' her vocal effects, no disrespect to her by the way. Kid rhymes “shit” so much I might fall asleep on this "rhyme scheme" he got goin'. Pass.
Beats: 4/10
Lyrics: 0/10
Score: 4/20
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Paars in the Mars – Real talk b, I’m already over this album... Every track soundin’ like the same damn song jus' recorded on a different day. This here like every trap song ever made. He sayin’ somethin’ like, “I’m so high off medications I can’t stand it.” No joke, bro, ya think we couldn't tell or sumthin'?? Uzi's on this wack hook soundin' like a dying husky gaspin’ for water. And then he starts rappin' like he a spastic that's gone an' got hisself some Tourettes at the end. I’m out.
Beats: 3/10
Lyrics: 1/10
Score: 4/20
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The Rush ft. Big Time Rush – Oh, real creative title here, huh? Beat's actually kinda bearable, but then Uzi comin' in and messin' it up. Ain't nothin' new, just the same ol’ song again. Big Time Rush ain't doin' much but shoutin' his name over and over. "Bitch, I'm Big Time Rush!! Bitch, I'm Big Time Rush!!" Son, that’s your only job? Aight, Uzi's verse comes in, but it’s Dr. Seuss type stuff. I’m out again.
Beats: 5/10
Lyrics: 2/10
Score: 7/20
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Not an Option – Feel like I’m listenin' to that Light Year track on repeat. In fact, just listen to Light Year, it's the same thing, word. Lil Uzi’s out here makin' a whole album of hot air. And now, he tryna sing about dandruff or somethin’? Nah, I’m good.
Beats: 4/10
Lyrics: 3/10
Score: 7/20
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She Stank – We startin' with a trash sample of my favorite joint "9mm Goes Bang" by KRS-One. And then Uzi starts talkin' ‘bout, “I ain’t fuck this bitch ‘cause she stank.” Man, what? I ain't even gonna talk about how stupid that line is, b. This whole track just straight clown vibes. Zero, I’m done.
Beats: 2/10
Lyrics: 0/10
Score: 2/20
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Mr. Chow – Nice intro. And then, what is this drum attempt? Lyrics kinda aight, but that hook's pure trash. This track just soundin' like a baby aborted in the ninth month or sumthin'. Props to those who caught the reference yo!
Beats: 0/10
Lyrics: 2/10
Score: 2/20
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Lyft Em Up – Oh, son's makin' puns now? Haha, Lyft/Lift, I get it. Nah.
Beat kicks in, Uzi screamin’ like he half-dead but wantin' to show the kids he's somehow still kickin’. OoooOoooOoooHhhhh, gunshot noises on the beat! How GANGSTA, amirite boys???? Nah, just playin' wit' y'all.
“I run through shit like I ain’t even tryna make a hit.” Well, yeah, obviously! Then, “Most these dudes think that I’m feminine!” Aight, noted. I'd been wonderin' son, thanks for confirmin'. Son's lyrics hit a new level of goofy here – Uzi talkin' ‘bout shootin' somebody and takin' an Uber out. Back in my day, we used to be doin' walkbys on a sucka in the parks, what's wit' all this UBER crap!? Miss me wit' this junk, word!
Beats: 2/10
Lyrics: 2/10
Score: 4/20
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Chips and Dip – Dumb title, but the transition was smooth, gotta give son some props. “Get the chips, and then I dip”. What now?????? Clown. Corny. This basically sounds like the last track, and Uzi ain't even rappin' no more. Time for this dude to step off n' form his own genre, cause son is barely rappin'.
Beats: 3/10
Lyrics: 1/10
Score: 4/20
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Black Hole – "She trying to fuck the game like the shit the BangBros". He really tryna rhyme porno stuff, b? Then it’s just moanin' and nonsense on the hook. Ayo, son's soundin' like Roger from "American Dad" if he was tipsy and tryna rap. Ayo, if son comes around me rappin' this track, I'mma put hands on son. I'mma be throwin' son through walls, nahmean? Brothers seven blocks down is gonna be askin' "AYO, how'd this weird lookin' kid wind up on my couch?!" Son's gonna be needin' to go platinum jus' to pay off the hospital bills after I'm through wit' him.
Beats: 1/10
Lyrics: 0/10
Score: 1/20
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Chill Bae – Yo, this intro kinda aight, perfect for TikTok or somethin'. Finally, some actual rap.
As we movin' into this track, I'mma hafta take my words back. The vibe’s soft as hell. My guy’s beggin’ for a text back with “tears on my face right now.” Whoever this chick is, she gotta drop this simp ASAP. He out here dissin' himself. This track some mad soft stuff, like this is that kinda mess they fill pillows with, b. This that kinda mess that's gonna appeal to ya virgin 13 year old boys. Movin' on!
Beats: 4/10
Lyrics: 4/10
Score: 8/20
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Goddard Song – Trash. This dude soundin’ like he chokin’ on pollen while drowin' out in some soy milk bath. Worst verse yet. Bro soundin' like a Chihuahua that just got strangled. A mess.
Beats: 3/10
Lyrics: 0/10
Score: 3/20
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Perky Sex – The heck is “perky sex”? Am I out the loop or somethin’? This some new fad y'all kids got that I'm too innocent to know?? Ayo, forget it, my man’s out here moanin’ like a lil’ beat-up pup on the track. This some soft, sugary, lollipop mess. Not regular lollipops, but the sticky kind you find on the sidewalk at Mardi Gras. This joint got dem sickly sweet rose petals comin' outta my speakers. This gonna make me lose my cookies. Aight!! Movin' on!!
Beats: 2/10
Lyrics: 0/10
Score: 2/20
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Conceited – Yo, when you hype over a guitar on a rap album, you know that tape bad.
This whole track is like the “incel anthem” – total nonsense. Homie out here rappin’ an' soundin' like a jerk to boot. Ramblin' n' cryin' ‘bout some chick who done wised up n' dropped son. Meanwhile, son's soundin' like he’s sad and confused. Wait, ya just called ya ex the alien girl? Man, I’m done. Trash.
Beats: 0/10
Lyrics: 0/10
Score: 0/20
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Space High – Weakest outro ever. This flow is killin’ me, man. Stop it, stop it, stop it!!!
Beats: 0/10
Lyrics: 0/10
Score: 0/20
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Final Score: 55/320
17%
Congrats, Uzi. You made me wanna listen to Ice Spice. This gotta be the worst thing I’ve heard all year, maybe since Lil Xan dropped, maybe all my life. RETIRE already!
In the meantime, we gonna put y'all down wit' summa that REAL HIPHOP. Here’s some actual fire: 9mm Goes Bang by Boogie Down Productions - https://youtu.be/fcYY6xwwfCE?si=XVekRebdCnh01n6e. Peace!
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